Cooking with Irene
by Winged Ether
Summary: A small OC story. Irene hijacks a cooking show, and drags Kurt into it as her taste tester! God help him.


**The disclaimer saying, "I don't own any X-Men characters", has been thrown into Irene's cooking pot. I do, however, own Irene. Just a little story that popped into my head about one of my OCs and her terrible cooking (Yes, there's someone out there who cooks just as bad as Kitty). If you don't know who Irene is, look at my bio.**

**Cooking with Irene**

"Scott! Jean! You won't believe who's on TV!" Kitty yelled from the room where several X-Men were watching TV.

"Who is it?" Scott asked as he and Jean walked into the room.

"It's not the Brotherhood, is it?" Jean asked.

"No, its worse, look." Rogue said, pointing to the TV.

"Oh no…" Scott groaned as he saw who she was pointing at.

"Hello all you people!" Irene yelled. She appeared to be in a large kitchen that looked slightly wrecked. She also had an outfit on that made her look like a chef.

"What is **she** doing there?!" Jean yelled to the other students.

"How would we know? She was just there!" Bobby yelled back.

"I'm Irene Shade, and welcome to Cooking with the Stars!" Irene said happily. "But, since there aren't any stars around, we'll just call this Cooking with Irene. If you want to know what happened to them, let's just say they got in an accident that I had **nothing** to do with. And, it certainly didn't involve any mousetraps, cranberry juice, telephones, or explosives."

"She hijacked a cooking show." Scott said in disbelief, "I should have known."

"And this is my helper, who will be trying my food when I finish it. Presenting… Kurt Wagner!" Irene shouted, directing her hands to Kurt, who was tied to a chair.

"Kurt?!" Kitty shouted. "What did she do to him?"

"What does it look like?" Rogue snapped at her. "She tied him up so she could force him to try her terrible cooking."

"I told you she would do it." Bobby said smugly to Ray. "You owe me five bucks."

"What? You knew she would do this?" Jean yelled at Bobby and Ray.

"Well, yeah…" Ray began. "She told us about it…"

"But we didn't think she would actually do it!" Bobby said quickly.

"Will you shut up?" Rogue snapped at them. "She's talking again!"

"Today I'm going to show you how to make a certain something I like to call… Spicy Cooked Salad!" Irene yelled happily.

"Spicy Cooked Salad? What the heck is that?" Kurt asked.

"Small pieces of lettuce mixed with slices of tomatoes, cucumbers, and radishes sprinkled with many spicy spices and sauces, then cooked in an oven on medium high." Irene told him on a sophisticated tone. "Duh."

"Do I really have to try that?" Kurt gulped.

"Yes, you do," Irene said. "Now, the first step is to chop up this big thing of lettuce to use in the salad."

"Where are your knives?" Kurt asked.

"Who needs knives?" Irene said, shooting sharp shadow knives out of her body. She used it to cut the lettuce into nice, not-so-even slices.

"Then, you do the same with the tomatoes, cucumbers, and radishes." She said, using her shadow knives to slice those up too.

"Well, at least she seems to know what she's doing," Jean said as the X-Men watched the TV.

"And now, we add all those little spicy things." Irene said as she turned her knives into tendrils, which she used to pick up various spices and such. "Including paprika, chili sauce, taco sauce, hot sauce, salsa, chili particles, jalapeno juice…

"Or not." Jean muttered.

"Jalapeno juice?" Kurt repeated.

"Yeah, it's pretty hot, especially in large doses." Irene said, not really paying attention to what she was doing.

"Irene! You just threw a SQUIRREL HEAD in there!" Kurt screamed at her.

"Oops, and the blood's all over the salad." Irene muttered. "Oh well, too late now."

"I am NOT eating that!" Kurt said.

"You don't have much of a choice, do you?" Irene asked him. "And now we just put it in the oven and set it on medium high."

"Um, Irene? The oven doesn't have a medium high setting." Kurt told her.

"It doesn't?" Irene asked. "Oh well then whatever's closest to that." She tuned the oven onto its highest temperature.

"You know Kurt it was really nice of you to volunteer to try my food." Irene said to Kurt as the salad was cooking.

"I didn't volunteer. You captured me and tied me up." Kurt reminded her.

"Oh yeah, but still, every time I ask someone to try my food, they make up an excuse or run away screaming." Irene continued.

"Uh, Irene?" Kurt said, looking past her to the oven, which was starting to smoke.

"I mean, sometimes I get the feeling that people think I'm a bad cook." Irene ranted on.

"Irene!" Kurt said, a bit more frantically.

"Me, a bad cook? Can you believe it?" She asked, still ignoring him.

"IRENE! YOUR FOOD IS ON FIRE!" Kurt screamed at her.

"Oh!" Irene turned around and saw the flaming oven. She grabbed a fire extinguisher and opened the oven, spraying the inside and putting out the fire. "Whew, that was close."She chuckled pulling out the completely blackened salad. "But seriously Kurt, thanks. I mean you could have just teleported away anytime you wanted to…"

"Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that?" Kurt said suddenly, teleporting away and leaving behind the ropes and chair.

"Kurt?" Irene said, setting down the food, and then repeated more angrily, "KURT!!!"

"Oh no," Rogue groaned, watching the TV, where there was a huge hole in the ceiling, and a dragon tail was just disappearing.

Kurt suddenly teleported into the room, and clung frantically to Scott. "You guys have to help me! She's going to KILL me!"

"Kurt, we know! Now get off of me!" Scott shoved him off.

"**KURT!!!!!!!!!**" A voice screamed outside.

Kurt looked outside where a very angry Irene was in her Shadowus form, tearing up the front yard.

"Yup, you're doomed." Rogue said after looking out the window.

"It's official. I'm cursed." Kurt groaned as he ran off to hide.


End file.
